The Vent: Microsoft Failure

on January 6, 2010 7:26 PM

Microsoft needs to stop. Everyday a customer comes into my Best Buy store and demands their money back, because supposedly our product was defective. By our product, I mean the Xbox 360, and by defective I mean the glorious Red Ring of Death, whose name is renown throughout the world. Then I have to tell these poor schmoes that it was not us who gave them those defective products; we just sell them, not make them. Dumb ass. Then I tell them “the only one to point the finger at is Microsoft.”

Microsoft designed a spectacular system with spectacular games, spectacular graphics, and spectacular flaws. Almost every gamer has seen the red ring, or owned a system with one. If you are a gamer, and you are not aware of this epidemic of epidemics, then you’re probably not aware of the monkey that is pooping on your head as you read this. It is the grim reaper of video games, here to take your console’s soul away. The problem is that the reaper likes to make plenty of visits. I guess it likes your home. Xbox 360 has been out for a few years and the developers had plenty of time to fix the problems. Have they fixed it since or even attempted to look at the problem I doubt it. Sure they came up with solutions, like the Intercooler, but I found something interesting that might put your nipples in a twist. The first intercooler that was made for the public had fans that spun the opposite way than the fans in the Xbox 360. That means whatever heat which was in the system that wanted to break free could not because of this console life support. To put it in layman’s terms, it is a butt plug, preventing you from ever feeling good about yourself ever again. It was a good thing they saw that in time, or no one would have known about it. Oh that’s right, we all know. I wonder how many Xbox consoles Microsoft destroyed before they fixed that issue.

The Red Ring occurs when the video cartridge in your system craps out or melts. We know what it is, how it occurs, but no one knows how to fix it. Sure Youtube is helpful, watching other gamers destroy their own consoles as they try to fix it. Microsoft knows how to fix it; they just take away your system for a month, sometimes 6 weeks, and then brings you back a new “refurbished” one, also known as “already been chewed gum”. It takes that long to get a different Xbox. By that time either we have gone completely insane without a console to play with or we might have moved on to other things, like sports, or reading, or PlayStation 3. To make the issue seem cleaner, Microsoft has given an extra 2 year warranty to those who suffer the Red Ring. To me it is like someone baking a cake that is made out of human feces, then putting a warm layer of strawberry icing on top, but as you zoom in to take a bite, it still tastes like crap.

I am on my fourth Xbox. That’s a lot of waiting and money rolled into one. Even though four is a lot, I bet there are some gamers out there who have went through more, like six or eight Xbox 360s. There is no denying it, the possibility of that happening is pretty dead on. Why they would go through that ordeal over and over again is beyond me. Since I am on my fourth, I should start asking that question to myself at a more constant pace. “If it broke down the first time, just quit and try a different console by a competitor. PlayStation 3s seem to break down less. Why not get all the games you want for that system instead.” That’s the thing that gets me, it’s the exclusivity of the games that forces me to come back to Xbox 360. No where can I find another system to play Gears of War or any of the Halo games. Plus, I had this system for so long that I have a huge amount of achievement points. Leaving now will be like abandoning your child who you nurtured, though sometimes you want to throw your child into a brick wall, smother it in alcohol, and set it with a match and watch it burn. We are good parents.

Since I am going to be stuck with this crappy system for a bit longer, why not take this time to at least agree with some of my issues that Microsoft could resolve. For instance, this whole month long waiting bull that it takes to get another one. I know we have to wait for the box to ship it in, send it all the way down to somewhere in Bunghole, Texas, then after fixing it, it will take a  week to send it back. Why not have more than one place to fix these broken monstrosities? Simple on paper, no? Have one in the Eastern, Southern, and Northern states. Doing this would increase the productivity of the repairing time on the Xbox 360s, and it can be shipped on an earlier date to and from the repair center. I know, I know, it costs money. Also, increase the budget research and development at Microsoft is getting. I bet they have no budget now, hence no solutions to this Red Ring after all these years. It sounds crazy but it might just work.

What pisses me off the most is that I keep thinking that Microsoft sold so many systems over the holiday season. How can that be, knowing what its main flaw is? I wonder if Microsoft considers a sale when someone is buying another Xbox 360 after their last one broke. If that is the case, then half of those systems that customers bought were replacements, not new customers. If Microsoft keeps thinking how many new people want an Xbox 360, someone needs to let them in on the truth. Stop making your systems break purposely so that we can spend more money on you pricks. That is unethical and it makes Sony look like a good guy. Bravo!

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