I remember a simpler time when a young carefree lil asshole (me) would sit around a gaggle of friends and discuss the finer points and potential marvel that a live action feature film would have and generate if based on the video games we grew up with and loved. We would sit for hours a day basically creating the movie from the ground up in our collective imaginations. Cast, special effects and guest appearances were the most heated of topics. Back then, when we were still hammering out our identities, we wanted a sort of vindication, if not acknowledgment, of what was our lives pure joy that was video gaming. I can’t believe now that I look back and realize how noble and doomed those aspirations would turn out to be. Fast forward to 19xx and Twentieth Century Fox has decided to manifest my dream but as the saying goes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions…” what followed was the best of the worst of all video game movies. Being the pioneer in anything is a great risk but the fact that everything attempted by the film industry that followed makes it all one huge crap cake topped with a steaming 3 coiler. So without further delay, here’s DualShockers’ own top 5 worst movie video game movie adaptations list: (counting down from 5 to 1)
5) Street Fighter
I decided to write about this piece of mental, visual, and entertaining diarrhea first but due to the fact that I don’t want to puke on my laptop before I finish this article I’m writing as quickly as possible. My list of turn like grievances are as follows: the story follows Guile (played by Jean-Claude Van Damme); an all American air force solider with a stronger French accent than Steve martin in pink panther, E-Honda is a Japanese sumo wrestler in the game but a Samoan/ Hawaiian fat crap in the movie, Dhalsim and Blanka have homoerotic moments throughout and finally Ryu’s emp mimicking Hadoken and Ken’s Shryuken was him basically standing in place while twirling and putting up the black panther sign. What The Hell? This movie is by far the worst movie of ANY type I have ever seen and should only be seen by euthanasia recipients or torture victims. If you have to get someone a gift for the holidays and you don’t like them, get em’ this movie
This movie went from the box office to the DVD shelf in less than a week. Seems like the creators of the film couldn’t even pretend that it was actually good. The film, like the game, is based on the adventures of Rayne. A half vampire seeking revenge on the big bad vampire that raped and killed her mother as she watched from a hiding place in the room. I dint know about you guys but that makes for a real good story to me, how could the film industry screw this up? Well, that’s where they excel. Even with a cast like Kristinna Loken, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and etc, just goes to prove that a “B-D star” cast will give you the equivelent of a movie like Mars Attacks or 2012. I’ve only seen this movie once (thank god) on the sci-fi channel when I was suffering from insomnia. It cured my insomnia. Enough said.
3) Mortal Kombat
This movie had the gall to put out a sequel that makes the first movie only better by comparison. Ill tell you what’s wrong in general with this 1st movie. The special effects are crappy. Its as if they hired a high school kid who knew little about realistic rendering and even less about…well special effects. The movie follows 3 characters of the Mortal Kombat cast (Sonya Blade, Johnny cage and Liu Kang) as their paths cross and they have to fight for the fate of the world. As in all storm clouds the silver lining is the role of Raiden played by (Christopher Lambert) aka the original highlander. But that isn’t saying much as the fight scenes are few and far between in both action and fluidity. I’ve seen better fights between roaches over bred crumbs. But what really grinds my gears is that I sat through that film waiting to see Lui Kang throw a gigantic fireball or do his cart wheel uppercut fatality move and for my trouble of sitting through this piece of crap I get a scene where Lui Kang punches the main bad guy and there is a brief and inaudible flash of orange light, WTF was that? I can go on and on with this movie but I digress. Its horrible. don’t bother seeing it and the lure of “animality mode” in the second film is a trap to kill your enjoyment of what was one of the most fun fighting games ever.
Oh my god! Where to start with this one? Let me begin by saying that the game was awesome and still is. 16bits of graphics don’t take away from the good story and addiction to catch the guy who punched your girl (who looks like a hooker) in the stomach and ran off for no reason in the very first scene of the game. Granted the story for the actual game could be a difficult transition to film, but it seems that the writers and directors of the film had a personal vendetta against this game or something because it looks like they tried to make it a bad movie.
1) Super Mario Bros.
So here is the first of the movies to get a brand new asshole ripped into them just in time for the holiday season Super Mario Brothers: The movie. So here are basics. Mario brothers (the game) is about 2 plumber brothers from Brooklyn New York who get sucked into a drain pipe while working, they go on to eat growth enhancing shrooms, kill weird creatures and fight their way to the evil reptile king (Koopa) to rescue the princes. I guess the writers determined that the plot and series of events wasn’t movie gold and in the process of putting something marketable out they ended up making a weird but endearing story 100 times worse for the movie. The only redeeming quality of this film is its nostalgic aura, I mean YES this is a horrible movie where goombas look like giant Nazi goons with down syndrome, a dino skin condition and a shrunken head courtesy of some which doctor and the De-evolution gun is just a Nintendo superscope. Not to mention the acting and script but its still the 1st attempt at something we all wanted , (and still want) a great videogame movie. I’d ONLY watch this to make fun of and not for the purpose of actual entertainment.
Maybe your favorite worst video game film adaptation didn’t make the list. Let us know about your picks in the comments section!