I remember clearly when I first played Dead Space. It was Fall of last year. Joel and I were shuffling our foots whilst walking the street of Brooklyn on a chilled somber evening. The skies cast a brisk blanket of grayish hues that reflected the day’s overall feeling – intimidating and obscure. Speaking in resonant tones, Joel and I remembered that a sci-fi horror game had released that very day. The name of the game was Dead Space. Its name contrasting the very ambiance we permeated at that very moment. GameStop was a mere half a block away and, with our hands in our pockets to shelter out cold Fall’s breath, we made way into the game store that would momentarily harbor us from the frigid conditions that stalked the city unmercifully. “Let me have Dead Space for the PS3,” Joel told the lanky GameStop clerk while patting his pockets for his wallet. I stood there pacing back and forth eager to return home. The day reminded me of one of those “your favorite time of the day” of the Dead movies where everything was just too quiet for comfort at first until a brain-craving zombie jumps out from the depths of god knows where to bite your hand – turning you into a retard zombie after.
“Sixty-five dollars.” the clerk told Joel. Joel finally finds his wallet, gives the kid eighty dollars, gets his change, and we’re out of the store only hearing the clerk’s fading hospitable “Have a nice…” before the door closes behind us. Like a bunch of predators chasing their prey, Joel and I walked fiercely against the unforgiving obstacles of nature’s breeze – almost a mile of walking with booger-freezing winds hugged our faces. We get to his place, rip apart the wrapping of the Dead Space box, pop the game in the PS3, and I take his PS3 DualShocker 3 remote hostage for the next twelve hours while Joel, for whatever reason, sits not too far off with his hands in down his pants, as if masturbating to horrifying images, twirling his nut-hairs between his fingers. Joel is this disgusting, folks.
Those of you who haven’t played Dead Space really need to get your hands on it if you want to experience next-gen horror. The innovative and immense third-person view immerses your consciousness in a spacecraft enveloped with demons and crap that would make nightmares seem like Disney World. Creatures with extra limbs coming out their asses, crotches, ribs – just everywhere – makes your task of getting the hell out undeniably suspenseful and challenging all at the same time. If you’re looking for a way to develop insomnia, this is your best bet.
Fans of the series will be more than frightened to learn that a true sequel is in the works. A recent job posting on the professional networking site, created by EA senior recruiter Jeff Ballard, reports, “The previous installment in the Dead Space franchise received numerous awards… and the same core team is in place to create an even better follow up.” Which, in so many words, means that they will pre-package a box of diapers with the game so you can have something changeable when you poop your pants. The posting adds, “The game is in the later stages of pre-production, ready for production in the next few months, with many of the navigational and combat mechanics in place.” My penis, folks, just went inwards just thinking about this.
With Dead Space Extraction releasing this week on the Wii, confirmation that the core-series follow-up (which is expected to hit the PS3, Xbox 360 and PC) will soon roll into production phase comes as exciting news to fans of the series looking for the franchise to keep the traditional gameplay elements, rather than the Wii’s “unique” version. I will now create a circle of salt to sit in and offer a payment of $10.00 and a bag of Ding-dongs to the person who creates the Proton-packs used by the Ghostbusters… just so I can have something intimidating to show off.