There’s been a lot of fuss about how amazing The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is. It’s all true. All of it. The dungeons are awesome, the exploration and puzzles are incredible, the world feels alive! Watching videos of the crazy creations people make online has been a real treat.But there's one trend going around I simply cannot abide and I'm speaking up. I'm talking about the rampant abuse of our tiny forest friends, the Koroks.These little wood sprites have been around for a long time; in Breath of the Wild, they could be found all over Hyrule, hiding in stumps, under rocks, in strange ponds, and even up in trees or on mountaintops. Tears of the Kingdom returns many of these precious hidden Korok puzzles, but it introduces a brand new Korok puzzle–for which it offers two Korok seeds instead of the usual one! "Gee," you’d think. "I bet players are thrilled." And you’d be right, but for all the wrong reasons, because the puzzle allows players to actually move and interact with the Koroks for the first time, which has been a recipe for genocidal disaster.I’ve seen Koroks fused to a spear and roasted on a spit over an open fire. I’ve seen Koroks catapulted into the ocean. I’ve seen a Korok dropped from orbit all the way down through a chasm and into the Depths. I’ve heard a tale of someone gathering up a dozen Koroks in the back of their wagon as they’re driven around by a madman around Hyrule – all when they just want to find their friend. It’s despicable.
Now, I’ve dropped a rock or three on a Korok’s head in my day. Sometimes the little buggers deserve a little somethin’, you know? But this full-on harassment must stop! I can’t tell you how many incredible videos I’ve come across of people torturing these little forest sprites in the most creative ways. It blows my mind the creative lengths people will go to in order to get their rocks off (and I’m not talking the Goron’s marbled rock roast – don’t get me started on those degenerates).
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, it was pretty smart the developers made the Koroks nigh-indestructible. It really facilitated all sorts of untold horrors. Hilarious, mind-bending horrors, but horrors nonetheless.
I won’t say I’m above creative methods of getting Koroks from one place to the other. Once, I came across a Korok who just wanted to get to his buddy. Poor guy was just too tired, what with his giant backpack and all, so I decided to help. I saw his buddy just across the river. There was plenty of wood nearby, with which I’m sure I could have constructed a boat or rudimentary bridge of some kind, but I’m trying to find the Princess and save Hyrule from the latest in a long line of apocalypses, so time is kind of of the essence! So, I strapped a rocket to the Korok and launched him straight across the river. I’ll admit, I laughed with joy when he crashed into his buddy. A timely delivery. Yet another satisfied customer.
But that aside... just leave the Koroks alone! They’ve been through enough, what with all the mechs flying around, being trapped in burning death boxes, and being shipped this way and that around Hyrule. What did they do to deserve it? Is it because they give you little golden poops? Is that it? Another one of their pals, Hestu (a real sicko, let me tell ya), he’ll take those off your hands, no problem. But I guess if you want to keep creating hilarious videos of all the wildly creative ways you’re torturing these little friendly forest sprites, I just have to keep watching them every chance I get. Not just because I’m compelled to, but because they’re just so damn funny.