Sam Porter Bridges Should be the New Papa John's CEO

Sam has the needed experience in the pizza category.

Papa John ain’t happy, folks. The former CEO of one of America’s biggest pizza chains has finally spoken out after being ousted from the company last year that he built and he doesn’t like the way things are going on without him.

In a new interview, Papa said that current Papa John’s Pizza CEO Robert Lynch should not have the position that he has. “He has never been a CEO. He has no pizza experience. He has never been in the pizza category,” said Papa. He also boasted that he has eaten 40 pizzas within the past 30 days, a feat I only have been able to accomplish once in my life during September/October 2007 after Halo 3 released.

As a big Papa fan, this whole situation has made me very distraught. Other than perhaps Shigeru Miyamoto, Frito-Lay, or PepsiCo, no other person or entity has had a larger effect on my life than Papa John. I don’t like seeing my Papa unhappy, and over the past day, my head has been spinning trying to think of ways in which we could lift his spirits.

While Papa himself doesn’t sound like he wants to run the company he created any longer, if someone else more reliable was at the helm of Papa John’s Pizza, then perhaps Papa would be more content. So while playing the newly released Death Stranding recently, that’s when it hit me; none other than Sam Porter Bridges should be the next CEO of Papa John’s.

Sure, it sounds crazy at first, but here’s the thing: Sam has the experience needed in the pizza category. If you’ve played Death Stranding, you’re likely familiar with one of the game’s most prominent side missions which sees Sam delivering multiple pizzas to one client. Not only does he go out of his way to complete this task, but he does so in a timely manner and keeps the pizza warm. Sam has been in the pizza trenches doing the pizza work that so few are willing to do. If he can do the small pizza tasks, what’s to say he couldn’t also handle the major ones?

Not only does Sam know his way around pizza though, but he knows his way around rebuilding things. Sam Porter Bridges was able to reconnect the entirety of America through his ingenuity, steadfastness, and the ability to carry dozens of packages on his back. He’s also the only person I’ve ever known that is able to chug five Monster Energy Drinks back-to-back. Reconnecting America’s most beloved pizza maker seems like an easy task for Sam compared to what he’s already accomplished in his life.

Of course, just because Sam should be the head of Papa John’s doesn’t mean that it’ll be a position that comes to him naturally. Current CEO Rob Lynch likely won’t give up his seat that easily, which means he’ll likely have to be run out of the company. Fortunately, Sam has some poop and pee grenades that he could toss in Lynch’s direction that might make him think a little bit differently. If these grenades have the ability to kill spooky ghosts, then surely they should also be able to take down a fast-food pizza businessman.

Perhaps when Papa said that a day of reckoning would be coming, this is exactly what he meant. Maybe it was always part of Papa’s grand plan to have Sam take over the company and reconnect the delicious pizza of Papa John’s to the mouths of hungry Americans everywhere. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.

These tough pizza times call for a pizza savior, and for my money, there is no better option to save us than one Sam Porter Pizza.

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James Gournalist

Salutations readers, I'm James Gournalist -- your bastion of ethical reporting at DualShockers. After getting a history degree from my liberal arts college and bouncing around as a barista, I've found my niche as an all-knowing seer of the games industry. Favorite games include ironically loving Sonic, Undertale and FNAF.

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