Folks, the Cowboy Game™ is finally upon us. After two different delays and a lifetime of waiting, Red Dead Redemption 2 will be available tomorrow, and it is incredible. That being said, there's only one thing keeping you from embarking on all of your Western misadventures this Friday--your job. Yes, like a good, model citizen you have work on Friday and forgot to request the day off. As a wise man once said, "it really do be like that sometimes."
Fret not, gamers, allow me to offer you counsel. For years I have studied the dark arts of calling out of work, calling in sick, and faking family emergencies. While I retired this skillset upon leaving college, I carry this knowledge around with me like a disgraced soldier carries a blade; similar to the way a retired Mafia boss carries around the guilt of the havoc he has wreaked. Allow me to step out of retirement for a moment to impart this wisdom onto you, a new generation of gamers looking to shrug responsibilities for one day and indulge in a take-out fueled gaming binge. Beware--with this knowledge comes a tangible darkness, a sense of power that you must keep in check. Without further ado, here are the official DualShockers tips for calling out of work to play Red Dead Redemption 2.
1. "It's Not a Lie if You Believe It"
All great acting comes from life experience. Think back to a time when you had a pressing ailment; an intolerable migraine, the seasonal flu, stomach problems from a shameful trip to Arby's. Let these feelings flow through you like a Jedi turning to the dark side, like a stomach full of Arby's Smokehouse Brisket. Relive these feelings, allow them to reenter your psyche. Remember that pain is temporary and the victor's spoils are sweet. Take yourself to a place where you can use this suffering for your advantage. As the wise prophet George Costanza once noted, "It's not a life if you believe it." Believe in yourself and you can do no wrong.
2. How Do You Stay Home From Your Job at Carnegie Hall? Practice, Practice, Practice.
You may be eager to play Red Dead Redemption 2. I know you're eager for the saloons, poker games, and fishing trips that lie ahead. However, you need to practice. We're talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, we talking about practice. Stare into the mirror above your bathroom sink and start writing your script. Think about the last time you stayed home from work and how recent ago it was. Is your new fictional ailment too similar to your old real ailment? Change it up a little. Variety is the spice of life. Get your story straight and stick to it.
3. Small Flourishes Go a Long Way
Like Cézanne's brushstrokes, each small detail of your performance should contribute to a larger image. It's not about what you say when you call out; it's about how you say it. Is your voice hoarse? Are you making it too hoarse? Don't make it Newport 100s hoarse, make it sore throat hoarse. What about a cough? Be warned--lots of first-timers overdo the cough. Don't pepper your sentences with coughs, rather, add one during any point of silence for dramatic effect. A little cough can go a long way. Make your performance as nuanced and discrete as possible.
4. Keep It Short and Sweet
Okay, it's time to make the call. Remember, the more extraneous details you give, the more outlandish your story will seem. Rely on the small nuances of your performance and trust your acting abilities. Remember, the bottom line here is that you don't feel well. The crowd knows this song and you don't have to explain why you're performing it. Let it flow naturally.
Well, there you have it. You should be able to play Red Dead Redemption 2 in no time (and you still have time to order it from Amazon). Of course, while you're staying home and enjoying yourself, keep the massively talented development team that made this game possible in mind. Without their hard work and labor, none of this would be possible. Follow these tips at your own discretion and please, for the love of God, don't email me if you get fired.