Uwe Boll isn’t the most popular of directors in the gaming industry. The man is known for unmercifully taking games, and ripping them apart in his movies by creating the most unwatchable films – and gamers hate him more than Jews hate Palestinians for this. I’m not sure if anyone saw his latest game-to-movie project: Far Cry. For those of you who didn’t see it, keep it that way. For those of you who did, I feel the excruciating pain that you’re going through. And it’s just going to get worse.
Apparently, Mr. Boll is out to destroy whatever dignity the Bloodrayne franchise has left by filming Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer – a movie that’s based on a nonexistent videogame, and carries the taste of a bad 80’s porno. Returning to the screen for the third installment is Bloodrayne 2’s Kristanna Loken – who is probably one of the few women who have made my eyes ejaculate – yet was sincerely unwatchable in the Bloodrayne films. It was one of those times where I wished my nails were long enough to scratch my eyes out. After she undoubtedly destroys her career in this upcoming monstrosity directed by Uwe Boll, you can expect Kristanna Loken to star in the adult film How Stella Got Her Tubes Packed. Her career after Terminator 3 seemed to be spiraling down a crap-filled toilet Boll and, from the looks of it, isn’t going to be stopping anytime soon.
I’m seriously beginning to think that the actors who “act” in his movies really want to prematurely destroy their careers. I’m going to close my eyes and cross my fingers now in hopes of making this go away. I felt like a rape victim after watching Far Cry – his latest videogame based movie. You don’t know how hard I scrubbed my body with a Brillo pad under a hot shower… and the movie was still more painful.