As you’re probably aware by now, PAX East is coming right up. A bunch of us from DualShockers will be there enjoying the show and bringing you all the juicy details. However, I personally will have a very important responsibility. As we reported earlier, the games to be played in the Omegathon were recently announced, which meant it was time for me to go to work. Training work. All other games must be eliminated from my schedule in favor of preparation for this momentous occasion.
Wait, what? Me? No, I’m not an Omeganaut. I won’t actually be competing in the Omegathon. However, I have been tasked with stepping into the role of an OmegaCoach, if you will, and preparing a particular Omeganaut to dominate the competition. Follow me beyond the jump, and I’ll give you the inside scoop on how I’m grooming one of these chosen warriors, my close friend and confidante Jessica, for ultimate victory.
It’s gonna be a busy week, and I’ll admit it, I’ve never coached before. I mean, I played Punch Out!!!, so I know I have to find a bike to ride and a stylish red track jacket to wear, and I’m pretty sure there are towels involved, but other than that I’ve pretty much been playing it by ear.
The first round is Katamari. Which version is not specified, so we’ve had to keep our training pretty general. Prep so far has been pretty smooth: mostly, I just hold up two flashcards bearing two different objects, and Jess has to tell me which is bigger. It’s actually a proven technique used internally by Namco when they test the games. No, really, my uncle works there and he told me.
Next is Bananagrams. Something of an odd choice for a publicly competitive game, and since Jess is already a beast with word games (I heard she almost had a world record for Text Twist one time) we’re mostly focusing on how to amp up the entertainment value of this round. I mean, who would want to watch 16 nerds playing Bananagrams for an hour? Nobody, unless you do something special. That’s why we’re making it Musical Bananagrams, in which Jess will be taking suggestions from the audience for a particular showtune, and proceeding to sing said showtune while beating everyone at Bananagrams, and doing so using only words that are in the song. Even then she’s still going to wipe the floor with those poor, unassuming geeks; this constraint hardly even represents a handicap for our champion. This one is just for you guys. I hope you stop by to enjoy the show.
Once the curtain falls on Bananagrams, we move on to Jenga. I’ve made sure Jess has had that old Jenga ad from the 90’s running on repeat on her second monitor non-stop for the past several days, so I think we should be good on that one. We’ve used the same technique to train for Crossfire just in case they bust that out as this year’s super secret final round.
Either Crossfire or this. Calling it right now.
Round four: Operation. Again, it’s a little nonspecific as to which version might be used, so I’ve just gone ahead and had Jessica memorize all my old anatomy text books from high school. That way when she get’s to the stage and it’s revealed they’ll be using Operation: Hyper-Realism Edition, we’ll be prepared. Remove the uvula? No problem. Extract this man’s vas deferens? Not even an issue. Oh, we’ve also been training up on some advanced microscopy and manipulation of tiny robotic arms for the purposes of removing body parts from the play area with surgical precision because tweezers are for chumps. I think we’ll have this one no problem.
And that actually does it up until the final round, which as always, will remain a surprise to everyone. So instead of attempting to directly prepare for it, we’ve been investigating all manner of prognostication and psychic scrying to attempt to divine the identity of the game. Crystal balls, tea leaves, you name it, and we’ve used it to try and figure out what that dang final round is gonna be. So far no dice, but we’ve picked up a few leads, in addition to some unwelcome visions of a coming apocalypse, and more than one demonic possession in the process. Believe me when I say the black arts can be messy, but it’ll all be worth it come next week when Team Ruckus is tearing the competition apart on that final game.
What’s everyone else not playing this week?
John “Brought To You By The Number Four” Colaw: I’m not playing Pokemon because I’m neither 12 years old nor a girl. Being broke had nothing to do with it, I swear.
Allen “Namedrop” Park: I’m not playing the Dino D-Day Beta even though I want to, because I’m too busy writing up articles about how I met Daisuke “Pixel” Amaya and got an autographed Super Meat Boy soundtrack from Danny B, whose kind of my best friend now
Justin “Teenage Heartthrob” Hutchison: Silent Hill 2, since Amnesia already emptied my bowels enough for the week.